This wasn’t easy for me to write, Testimonies are great but this one wasn’t easy for me to write, I took a glance back and said okay here it goes, I’m going to write.
This is a Testimony of a season in my life that I haven’t really talked about with many people, simply because it was a time I didn’t want to remember.
It took me a while to write this, I teared up a couple of times writing this, trying to remember what I was going through in those moments. I teared up because it also reminded me of God’s grace and no matter what situation you’re going through, he is there.
It’s quite long but please do take the time to read it, :)
For ever how long I can remember since I was child through out primary school, high school and college I allowed people to walk over me, bully me and torment me through those years.
I didn’t know how to stand up or speak up for myself, I didn’t know how to, it wasn't my nature, I just allowed people to walk over me, use me and treat me like I was dirt off the ground.
I don’t remember I lot from my school years, etc friendships or even learning, all I remember is coming home crying everyday, shutting myself away from the world I would constantly curl up in a corner and cry in my pillow.
Primary school were horrible years of sillyness, I remember having stones thrown at me, My Mother arguing with other mothers to tell there kids to leave me alone.
High school was a lot worse horrible years of torment, I’ve been to 4 high schools; I wasn’t a trouble child I was very shy. (Shocker! Yes I Rebekah was shy in her high school years.)
I started attending Loudoun Academy in Ayrshire after I got back from Canada when I was 15 and a bit.
I didn’t know anyone and I didn’t stay at that school long enough to know anyone, i was there for no longer than 5 months.
These were the hardest, challenging 5 months of my life.
If you have seen the movie ‘mean girls’, at the beginning of the movie Lindsay Lohan’s character starts off at this new school, nobody talks to her and she spend her first few lunches sitting on a toilet seat eating her lunch. That was me, no joke. I actually did that, but scrap out the eating lunch bit on the toilet seat that’s a little disgusting.
All I remember is that people weren’t warm to me, teased and tormented me.
I had my head smacked off a computer by one of the girls in class as the teacher had quickly popped out to get something. I was stunned and confused in why this girl had all of a sudden done that to me, I hadn’t done anything to her!
I walked out that classroom afraid, numb, and confused I just wanted to run (ever had that feeling where you just wanted to run and didn't care where) I had that feeling a lot.
I still couldn’t stick up for myself I didn’t want to because that would only cause a fight.
A friend told my mum what had happened and the next thing I knew my mum had called up the school to let them know what happened. My mum would always be so mad when things like this happened, it was too constant. Like any mother they would hate to see their child being bullied for no reason, you would want to protect them and stick up for them.
For some stupid reason telling the school what happend to your child can be the worst thing ever, it causes more problems.
Ayrshire is not the place to do that, you’re only asking for trouble not just for yourself but for your family.
Things got a lot worse, those 5 months were so difficult my relationship with God was the only thing keeping me alive. Every morning before school and after school I would be on my knees praying and face down in worship. I needed God more than ever.
One morning I remember being on my knees praying and I felt the Holy spirit saying to me “
prepare yourself today something is about to happen” it wasn’t a warning but I remember thinking ‘oh finally this is the day that something good is going to happen! maybe people will want to be my friend, maybe God is going to do something really awesome today’.
Well God certainly did, but it wasn’t what I had in mind.
The music department is separated from the main building and I remember coming out of the music department to go to my other class, all of sudden I hear yelling behind me, next thing my hair was being pulled back, I was on the ground and my head was being hit off a brick wall.
I was being kicked, punched and spat on by this girl, I saw all the kids and even some of my ‘friends’ surrounding us, doing nothing.
No cheering, just watching.
A kept hearing this verse over and over again ‘
The Lord is my light and salvation whom shall I fear, the Lord is the strength of all I am, whom shall I be afraid. All I could feel was God’s presence, he was right there beside me.
I felt no pain as this girl kept kicking me over and over again.
I managed to pull myself up and walk to the first aid room but I didn’t quite make it there, I collapsed on the way and I remember being carried to the first aid room by the janitor. I sat on the bed crying and crying, the nurses held me “its going to be okay” they kept saying. I knew it would be but I wasn’t crying because that girl beat me to the ground, I was crying because I was so overwhelmed that the thing I needed the most was God to be right there beside me, and he was!
Later I was taken to Hospital, I had no broken bones or any serious injuries, just a concussion.
The next day I had a Police Officer come over to my house and sat me down asking if I wanted to press charges on this girl. I thought about it but I knew this would go on her record, that this could affect her life, and so I didn’t. The Officer was quite shocked and astonished that I refused; he kept repeating “are you sure?”
I was very sure, I didn’t hate the girl I wasn’t even mad at her, I wanted to be mad at her but I couldn’t.
To this day I still don’t really know why I couldn’t be mad at her but I think it was God working on my heart with instant forgiveness and teaching me about what Grace.
I didn't go back to school after that, my family didn't want me to. But I did go back for 1 day and that day was to let my Principal know I wasn’t coming back and also to confront the girl who attacked me. I wanted to let her know that I forgave her. It wasn’t hard to tell her, she pretty much laughed in my face and called me every horrible name you could imagine. I walked away with a smile, I ignored the lies and I kept my head up high knowing my position as a daughter of Christ and no one could separate me from the Love of God and his amazing, indescribable Grace.
God walked me through some tough times during that season in my life, I really struggled with depression during that time and thought it would be so much easier to make everything go away by ending my life, I tried to so many times by suffocating myself in a pillow, I failed to take my life so many times. I was in and out if hospital because my mum would randomly find me on the floor unconscious meanwhile I have worship music playing in the background? I try to remember those days, what I was going through, what I was feeling, what I was going through in my head. All I know is that Satan tormented me he wanted me dead, he’s out to do 3 things, steal, kill and destroy. I remember crying on the floor so much begging God to let me come home and be with him. He kept reminding me of Jeremiah 29:11. I just couldn’t see it at the time because Satan had me wrapped up in chains. Those chains needed to be broken.
Yes those days were very difficult but I will never forget the moment my father, my saviour protecting me filling me with his words of life, reminding me,
‘
The Lord is my light and Salvation whom shall I fear, the Lord is the strength of all I am whom shall I be afraid.’
I wasn’t going to blog this but I felt it was on my heart to do so.
There can be times in our lives where we want to give up but know that that is the very thing that the enemy wants you to do, we aren’t going to let him have his glory.
We will stand up against him for he is under us and God has given us the authority to speak against him.
We will sing,
‘The enemy is being defeated and death couldn’t hold you down, were going to life our voice in victory were going to make your praises loud,
Shout onto God with a voice of triumph, shout onto God with a voice of praise, shout onto God with a voice of Triumph we life your name up! We life your name up!
